The door analogy
- The Love Whisperer
- Feb 7, 2019
- 6 min read
Updated: Feb 11, 2019
If you love a man, set him as free as possible; but never let a man block your door.
If you love a man, set him as free as possible; but never let a man block your door.
Often times, the more we as women think we love a guy, the more we want to mind-fuck him: we want to know where he has been, who he is with, whether he is on his own or with his friends, what kind of friends he is with, why is he not calling or texting you back, is he sleeping with other women... Numerous stories play in our head before we finally cannot hold back and send him a text message: "Fuck you, you cheater!" Other times, even though he told you he is at his house, sleeping or showering, we tend to question his behaviour: "he is taking 20 minutes more in his bathroom today!" or "Usually he does not sleep that early" or "he could still text me even though he says he is busy!" It seems that we justify this as love: we love him, that's why we care!
Does this sound familiar to you?
I have a male friend who recently encountered what he calls "crazy bitch" acts. He is a low-profile fitness guy and coach, and attracts eye-ball attention whenever he is at the gym. Women love talking to him and seduce him while asking a lot of fitness questions. He has his unique taste of women and has a great pool of women he could pick from. He often encounters women who are crazily in love with him, but one would stand out from the crowd.
Here is this woman who attended the same gym as him, and they were together shortly after they met. During their initial stage of the relationship, there were already some red flags that he kinda ignored. In his previous relationships, women often behaved similarly: from confident to clingy. He recalled that if he had not replied her text messages within 30 minutes, he would receive numerous missed calls and page-long messages. When he explained that he was showering or accidentally fell asleep, she would beg him for forgiveness. This happened regularly until once, she told a stranger (a guy friend of his but she did not know about him) about their sexual play in bed. This greatly embarrassed my friend and he broke it off with her. This was when things started to become more rocky.
This woman, unable to translate being dumped by her guy, started to engage in all sorts of crazy behaviours. After the guy blocked her, she used different numbers to call him just to get his attention. She hired a personal investigator to stalk his whereabouts, and bashed him (with her anonymous numbers) for training with his female clients. She followed him at work or at the gym. When she saw him training some female bodybuilding clients, she started to accuse him for being gay, in order to justify the break-up. When this does not succeed in making him come back, she wrote on an online forum and made up stories about his creditability as a decent coach.
Did these behaviours give her the guy back?
Hell NO.
The guy was initially attracted to her confidence and all her inner attributes. But with her increasingly insecure and clingy behaviours, it successfully turned the guy off. Completely off. Who would want a woman who leans forward, blames him for his choice of freedom, stalks him in every possible way and shit-talks about him online? No healthy guy in this earth would want a woman who is clingy, insecure and insane.
What makes her from confident to crazily clingy?
For one, she does not trust her desirability as a woman. Jealousy comes from the insecure mind that always tells oneself that she is not worthy. At the beginning, he was attracted to her for a reason. May it be her physique, or her inner personality, or both. But she does not trust that she is good enough for him. Instead, she looks into traces of his past relationships, and figured out that she does not have this, or that. Her lack of self acknowledgement freaks herself and her guy out. She starts to stalk him, to see if he is hanging out with other women. She tries to wrap a rope around him and keep pulling the rope in order to keep this man at her door. This is definitely an attraction killer.
Men love freedom, this is just hardwired in a man's brain. While women tend to desire security in a relationship, men value freedom over everything else. Especially for my friend who is a natural in attracting women. As women, we need to create a safe place for a man to be himself. Most men do not want restrictions from a woman, especially in a relationship. How to create a safe place? By not being neurotic over anything your guy does. If he says he is working, sleeping or showering, TRUST HIM. It takes trust to build trust. If a guy has to constantly prove that he is trustworthy, it will soon be too exhausting for him to continue. Free the guy as much as possible. Do not stick him to your door. If a guy goes away and does not return, you know exactly that he is not your guy. And what's more wonderful than your guy choose to be with you when this is totally his free will?
On the other, when the guy pulls away, she resists. She tries to pull the rope tighter by stalking or blackmailing him. This is probably the stupidest thing to do when a guy wants to walk away. LET HIM BE. Stalking him, checking on him constantly, blaming him for not replying or calling do not do you any good. TRUST him if he says he wants to go away. LET HIM DO SO. A man can only make rational decisions when he is free of control, free of your neurosis. And if he just leaves and never returns, you free your door to someone else that worths coming in. While he is away, it is also time for you to do your inner work. WORK ON YOURSELF. Nothing values more than your sanity and confidence in your own desirability. In a relationship, it is always about energy vibration. You feel connected with your guy because you are both vibrating in the same frequency. When you become jealous or insecure or self-blame or clingy, you lower yours and you are no longer in sync with your guy.
Check your energy.
Ask yourself why you are obsessed with this particular guy. Check your own energy. For this woman, she called her guy gay because her ex-husband left her for a guy. She became insecure due to her experience. This is not to say women should be blamed if a guy left her for another men. Rather, one needs to look into her energy and ask herself why she keeps on attracting the same kind of men that did not want her. Mind you that she is in fact a good-looking and sexy woman. She attracts tons of handsome and muscular guys but she picked one that would not want her back. And always remember there are abundance of men that can fulfil all your wishes and want you. If it is not him, someone else would replace him. Inner work is important for you to understand your worth. You do not need validation from a guy. Especially a guy who moves on. You only need validation from yourself. You are enough just be yourself.
Using the door analogy, never wrap a rope around him and wishes him not going away. Whenever he is unsure, free him and let him leave as he wants. Love is like mushroom, it grows in the dark. He can only feel your importance when he is NOT with you. If he always sticks around your door, how can he know what it feels if he doesn't? Isn't this logical?
Never try to win him back by telling a man how much you worth. It only makes him go away even faster. It shows that you are indeed, not loving yourself enough. He can feel the energy changed around you if you do your inner work and become attractive to others. He can also feel it when you try to play games with him by showing him how many other guys you are fucking with.
A wrong guy will only stick around your door if you do not first free him and let him choose to come to you. A right guy will try his every possible way to get to your door and seal the door before anyone else comes in. Learn the difference. If you truly love a guy, set him as free as possible.
* The "men" and "women" used here do not necessarily mean biological men and women. It is more symbolic and more about the polar dynamics in a relationship: "Men" as masculine while "women" as feminine.
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