The mindful mind

Jealousy comes from an insecure mind that constantly tells you you are not good enough.

Every day when I wake up, I look at myself from the mirror and use 5 minutes to list out all the positive attributes of myself. "I am worthy, I am attractive. I am kind and open-minded, I am intelligent and educated, I am compassionate to others, I am loyal to my friends and loved ones. I am confident. Sometimes I am shy but I am cute when I do so. I am worthy, I am good enough." Should you have tried this exercise you would find it so empowering that it would enlighten you daily. This self-affirmation exercise has more impact that you could ever imagine. It helps me to take away the neurotic monkey mind that haunts me often, especially when it comes to jealousy.

Jealousy is when you see him liking some girl's pictures, texting with other women or seeing a tinder message pops up on his phone. You feel crazy that you start to make up stories in your head: he must be cheating, that's why he is not replying you, he must be fucking around when we are supposed to be exclusive....etc. The jealousy is felt so strongly that it is filled all over your head and makes your body shiver. It feels like you have had a heart attack and your brain is spinning so fast that you can't stand without shaking. You feel panic, your MIND makes sense of the story you told yourself, and you blame him for doing all the rights wrong.

This monkey jealous mind is horrible sometimes, and it takes away much autonomy of ourselves. When our mind is filled with jealousy, anger and hatred, we cannot process positive thoughts like compassion, love and gratefulness. Jealousy comes from a form of fear, the fear that you are not good enough, that there are so many other women that are better than you and he could possibly pick these better women.

Why would we feel that we are not good enough? It has a lot to do with childhood traumas, at least to most people. It takes a person to fully dive in the mystery of mind and dig out one's most intimate fears. It takes a lot of bravery to be willing to face our worst nightmares and to understand them. It took me some time to notice my own relationship pattern. And sometimes going back to early memories could unfold personal traumas that we have long ignored. We thought we have moved on but we didn't. And this often reveals in our love relationship.

When I was younger, I always wanted to be the center of attention in the family. I studied hard just to hope that my parents would acknowledge me more. But my parents, as much as they love me, only paid attention to my younger sister who was a lot naughtier and un-disciplined. I hated my sister out of jealousy and we often fight. My parents' justification was that I was a well-behaved kid and thus they were confident in me. For me, however, I felt like I was never good enough to be loved and cherished by my parents.

When I grew up, I realised I was often attracted to mature and successful women. I had one criteria of finding a female partner, that they must be older than me. Age was important to me. And I always loved challenges. I want to gain the trust and love from a successful woman that seemed unlikely to be attracted to me. I had several relationships with such women. They were all good-hearted women that cherished and loved me more than I do. My mum always joked about me loving mature women as if wanting to find a mother to love myself. I think she is kinda right: I displaced the desire to be cherished by my parents to my intimate partner.

To add on to that, I always maintain a distanced relationship with my parents. I love them and I know they love me too, but I just cannot be intimate with them by sharing any of my personal stuff. In fact, I feel disgusted whenever they try to care about me: I feel like they are trying to trick me into intruding my personal space by faking their love. And this is also found in my relationship pattern. Whenever my relationships with women get "intimate", meaning that I feel like they love me more than I do, I am unwilling to commit further. I feel trapped. I want to go away and regain my freedom. At the bottom of my heart, I think I do not deserve authentic love from these female partners, as if I do not deserve to have parents who genuinely love me.

I always know that I am into men more. I have experienced some sexual trauma during my teenage years that made me think of men as dangerous and disgusting. I hated men as much as I love them. I turned to females because I think they are safer. For a long time, I realise I do not really find females sexually attractive to me. When I fell for the first man in my life, I was so panic and fearful.

I felt like I could no longer be in control. With females, I am usually the one who controls the relationship. I am masculine and I get to decide when I want to start or end the relationship. I end the relationship when I feel that they are overly invested in me and made me feel uncomfortable. With men, I only want to surrender to a man who is ultra alpha and masculine. I realise my old usual way to handle a relationship with a woman is totally opposite when I am with a man.

I looked into my relationship with a man and found out that I was a neurotic, obsessive and clingy woman. I wanted to be in control like I used to be with women. I didn't realise men and women are hardwired differently to various extent. I wasn't in a good shape. I wanted to understand why I was not happy. I was full of expectations and think that I could be in control. I wanted to have a man that could fill my void to make me complete or happy. I wanted him to behave exactly the way I want him to. And I thought showing him how much I worth would make him attracted to me more. Worst, I feel jealous because he is a natural in attracting women. I fear that I was not good enough because I am not a normative woman, or a typical type of his.

I realise I was not letting go the illusion of a perfect man. I struggled and I was confused. I wanted to be different, yet I was so scared that my difference would make me less worthy of his love. I was trapped in my own mind.

I was scared because I do not love myself enough.

Wanting a person to become your source of happiness does not make you happy. It makes you vulnerable and obsessive. I discover that I need to go deep inside my memories and find out why I need validation from my partner. I need to go back to communicate with my worst fear: the fear of not being enough and be abandoned.

I am still a process of making. However, I now understand why I have always fall for a woman that I am not sexually attracted to. I understand my own fears and I understand that, I can only be totally free when I solve my neurosis and be full inside. I do not need any person to make me happy. You make yourself happy and any person will only add to your happiness. As Will Smith says, it is not a man's responsibility to make a woman happy. You are responsible to make yourself happy so that you are there to share your happiness with one another.

Once I understand the root of my relationship pattern, I do not want to fall for a person because of the displacement of my parents' love. I want to feel full inside and need not to rely on any person to make me happy. Any validation or approval from my loved ones will only add to the value, but not filling my empty cup. Because my cup has always been full.

When you get to this stage, you are no longer jealous on anything. It is just what it is. When you are not controlled by your monkey mind, you are free and you are able to feel the deepest essence of love that transcends physical distances and human touch. You know you are fine no matter what. You can still love the man but you need not him to love you back for validating your desirability.

You know you are enough.

And for once, you are totally free.